two little triple - a batteries

[OnYrMrk]

Last weekend I saw something at Larry’s Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my
interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a
little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a
100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were
suppose to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your
assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety…. WAY TOO
COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two
triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I
was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND
pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I’d get the blue arch
of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the
face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
couldn’t be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries,… right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting
little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really
needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must
admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and
thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to
give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want
some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses
perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, taser
in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and
disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle
spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would
purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of
water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the
batteries.

All the while I’m looking at this little device measuring about 5" long,
less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with
two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I’ll do my best…..

I’m sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one
side as to say, "don’t do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst
from such a tiny little ole thing couldn’t hurt all that bad…. I
decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I
touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION@!@$$!%!@*!!!

I’m pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up
in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over
and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal
position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire,
testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in
the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over
me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face,
undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"

Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note
of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap
yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from
your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst
would be considered conservative.

SON-OF-A-…. that hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I can’t be
sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits (what
little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading
glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there???
My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face
felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88
lbs.

I’m still looking for my testicles. I’m offering a significant
reward for their safe return.

--Joe :help:

[falkenbd]

awesome, just awesome.

[Ryan from Ohio]

Thats just classic.

:happy048:

You were supposed to offer your kid $20 for the experiment

[loudwagon15s]

i just bout pissed myself when i read this

[Chris from Washington]

lol all I could think of when I read this

[CaptainPioneer]

Oh My a God....... The way you tell the story ... Wow... I could clearly visualize everything happening... Its like a bad accident on the freeway... You know its wrong but u cant help but look away.

Oh man... I think the Missus owes you like a back rub or something for that... lol lol

[tomcat]

Its funny but I still feel bad for you. At least now you know it works good enough to protect your wife.

I zapped myself with a dog shock coller because I wouldnt zap my dog without knowing what it felt like. But no taser for me.

[Bwcad1]

Its funny but I still feel bad for you. At least now you know it works good enough to protect your wife.
I zapped myself with a dog shock coller because I wouldnt zap my dog without knowing what it felt like. But no taser for me.

Been there done that got the sticker at the doctor's office lol

I also thought it would be a good idea to see how bad my expensive airsoft gun would hurt and shot myself in the hand. Yea that was a good idea. 400fps even with a .2g bb stings like a bastage.

[CaptainPioneer]

We've got some real winners on this board lol

[Ryan from Ohio]

I measure 32V on my dogs shock collar. Didnt shock myself though...